‘When we embrace the core energy of our challenges, we meet unexpected answers.’ Stones Alive deck by Twintrees

Since relationships of all kinds are up for many, and going to get more intense over the next ten weeks, I thought it a good idea to examine a common theme.  There is a common identity crisis that we don’t realize exists in our personalities until we are forced against a wall in most cases.  This crisis in our core personality is one of worthiness.

We all deserve love and support yet why do we attract just the opposite at times?

It seems that many of us are taught in our first family that to get along or be loved we must fit in and sublimate our true being or risk being punished.  So many times in early childhood we are punished for just being ourselves so we grow up trying to be something we really are not. We convince ourselves that we must be ALL THAT to get love, support, affection, friendship and ‘fit in’.  We learn to people please at such an early age that we are not even aware that we do this. In fact, we deny any trace of people pleasing in ourselves yet continue to attract others who need contant attention and demand that we play a secondary role to them. Why is this?

Most times we have given our significant other the impression that we are in their lives to cater to their needs because this has become a habit. We think this is the only way to be accepted and loved because we have experienced nothing else. This is the old way of being in relationship taught to us by parents who had this taught to them by their parents. So, really what we are talking about here is breaking a  engrained cycle of relationship dysfunction.

When we can no longer keep this overgiving behavior up, because our energy is so drained by the imbalanece of give and take in the relationship, there are complaints, discomfort, dissappointment on both sides. The entire relationship is now built on this unreasonable and unrealistic premise. The other now complains, withholds,  mistreats us, manipulates us to get their own way back again. Then beaten down, we cave in and continue with resignation to cater to their needs by overgiving. We are actually enabling them to continue bad behavior learned from their first family.  We become miserable yet can’t stop this behavior because deep down we are afraid of punishment, withdrawal of love and abandonment.   Deep down we are afraid of being alone and finally facing ourselves. We have bought into the lie that we are not enough.

So, we suffer, complain to our friends and justify our behavior so we can continue it. In other words, we don’t know any other way to be in relationship. Ironically, we need time to discover who we really are and what we really want and need. We need peace to grow up. We need peace to evolve.

Our signicant other is not a villian by the way. We have betrayed ourselves. We have offered up a person to them that they want and need. This person is not necessarily who we really are or we would be happy.  So, actually WE have deceived THEM. Not on purpose, most times.

This is our lack of self worth speaking loud and clear. By trying desperately to be someone that another wants, so we can be with them, is a worthiness issue. We have to realize that we are enough just as we are. If not, we are with the wrong person. Willing ourselves to be someone else that fits into another person’s idea of what they want and need is folly and backfires on our ass everytime!

Not every relationship will end if we are brave enough to show who we really are. It is just my experience that we must show our true selves right away so there are no unrealistic expectations at the beginning. Yet, if we have not taken the time to find out who we are, if we decide to do that work inside a relationship or if we enter a relationship with ideas to change our partner into someone we want, HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

Does he or she look the ideal mate on the OUTSIDE? Is the person on the INSIDE a second priority in the beginning of the relationship?

If he or she looks like what we want on the outside we cannot change the inside later. That is where all the problems begin. There will be resentment and that can look many ways and last a looooooooooong time.  We all know that old adage -‘The only person you can change is yourself.’

Let’s accept the core challenge to really know ourselves.  Let’s give ourselves the space to let Divine Magic into our lives.

‘Be yourself, everyone else is already taken!’…………..thankyou unknown internet truthsayer!